Is the choice even mine to make? Isn't it Hers? Isnt it Ours?
Anyways. Sitting each on the far end of the sofa I could sure have moved closer. I would have wanted it. Should I have wanted it?
Going home really hurt.
Fragments exposed, oceans remains unrevealed beneath. No use to say it all since I don't know it all at all.
That's All folks!
20081027
... still missing you.
1981.01.31-2007.10.27It won't matter if I put 2028 as the year before today's date. It will still feel unfair that we all lost a dear friend this day a year ago. Parents lost their son, siblings their brother. Grandparents their grandchild.
I would exaggerate if I say I think about him daily and mourn. Ttruth told none of us would wan't that. I know for sure that I don't want constant grief and mourn the day I pass away and for years after.
But visiting Stockholm a few weeks ago of course I remember it and it still feels shit. And when Friday came this weekend, darkness was over me in more ways than the obvious one, I felt my heart weigh heavy thinking of last autumn.
Det har varit ett år av saknad
Vi kommer fortsätta sakna
Men det måste också vara minnen
Minnen av ditt skratt
Minnen av din värme
Tack Kompis
Tack Per
20081023
I long to long
I was asked yesterday what meaning I put into "longing". What that word meant to me. It is easy to say what it is NOT. To look forward to something is not to long. To long is too hurt. To be incomplete.
I don't long for money the days before the pay-check drops down on my desk. I don't long for the weekend on Mondays. But I sure look forward to it.
To long is to miss something really bad.
I long for arms to curl up in on a winter's day.
I long for light and summer when the nights turn dark.
I long for her
To love is in many ways to long
To long is in the same way to love
I do know I haven't longed in a long time and I sure long for it.
I don't long for money the days before the pay-check drops down on my desk. I don't long for the weekend on Mondays. But I sure look forward to it.
To long is to miss something really bad.
I long for arms to curl up in on a winter's day.
I long for light and summer when the nights turn dark.
I long for her
To love is in many ways to long
To long is in the same way to love
I do know I haven't longed in a long time and I sure long for it.
20081022
KK
Jag läser inte så många bloggar runtikring. Vännerlistans bloggar håller man sig ju såklart uppdaterad på (ni vet vilka ni är! :) ) är det nån annan blogg så är det oftast teknik- eller prylbloggar.
Men här kommer DN's nya "På stan" in i bilden och på sistone så har de skrivet mycket kul å smart. En del rent av spot on.
Som Hannas senaste:
Vi skjuter lite på den dagen vi med.
Det är intressant att se hur umgänget man+kvinna-som-inte-ligger-med-varandra-men-ändå-umgås provocerar folk. Hur det att dricka te till halv två en tisdag natt och prata relationer, liv, mat, träning kan väcka frågor runtomkring. Men visst man kan ju vända på det, om man nu gillar att umgås med någon som inte ser så tokig ut, har samma värderingar o hobbies och rent av är skitrolig - varför ska man då inte göra slag i saken o gifta sig med henne eller honom. Den frågan får ni inget svar på.
Men det ligger lite på linje med hur det uppfattas som onormalt att vara singel, hur omgivningen strävar efter att man ska "träffa någon". Visst, biologiskt så strävar vi ju efter att föröka oss o sprida generna vidare, men är människan en biologisk driftstyrd varelse eller ett intellektuellt väsen med tanke bakom handlingarna. Fuck it - jag ska vara singel fem år till bara för att trotsa. Eller iaf tills jag blir sugen på att kramas, det bör väl bli fredag runt 21-tiden det.
Men tack för sist kompis, eller ska jag säga KK - KompisKompis
Men här kommer DN's nya "På stan" in i bilden och på sistone så har de skrivet mycket kul å smart. En del rent av spot on.
Som Hannas senaste:
Jag och Fredrik har så mysigt ihop. Vi känner varandra väl,..., Fredrik säger så roliga saker ibland och jag skrattar så roligt åt honom.
...
När pappa ringer på morgonen frågar han frankt om Fredrik har satt på mig under natten. Nej pappa, det har han inte. Och inte jag honom.
– Jamen vad fan gör han där då? undrar pappa.
...
Sen, när vi är i tunnelbanan på väg till dagens aktivitet, så ringer Linda och frågar sensationslystet om vi har… om vi har..?
...
Det finns en förväntan om att män och kvinnor förr eller senare måste ligga med varandra. Vi skjuter lite på den dagen, jag och Fredrik.
Vi skjuter lite på den dagen vi med.
Det är intressant att se hur umgänget man+kvinna-som-inte-ligger-med-varandra-men-ändå-umgås provocerar folk. Hur det att dricka te till halv två en tisdag natt och prata relationer, liv, mat, träning kan väcka frågor runtomkring. Men visst man kan ju vända på det, om man nu gillar att umgås med någon som inte ser så tokig ut, har samma värderingar o hobbies och rent av är skitrolig - varför ska man då inte göra slag i saken o gifta sig med henne eller honom. Den frågan får ni inget svar på.
Men det ligger lite på linje med hur det uppfattas som onormalt att vara singel, hur omgivningen strävar efter att man ska "träffa någon". Visst, biologiskt så strävar vi ju efter att föröka oss o sprida generna vidare, men är människan en biologisk driftstyrd varelse eller ett intellektuellt väsen med tanke bakom handlingarna. Fuck it - jag ska vara singel fem år till bara för att trotsa. Eller iaf tills jag blir sugen på att kramas, det bör väl bli fredag runt 21-tiden det.
Men tack för sist kompis, eller ska jag säga KK - KompisKompis
20081021
Keep it secret
I don't know if I am Hollywoodified or something, but sometimes I feel weird when I don't carry around any dark secrets or keep skeletons in my closet.
Sure I had a crush on that girl there, and sure I had some period where I had some fantasies and ideas that Mr Freud would find interesting. Truth is the only few times I tried doing things off the line - cheating on a test in 7th grade, nicking apples, stealing a few chewing gums - I usually end up being caught. But it's not like I've hit someone while driving and stashed away the body. Nor have I cheated on my tax return or on the few women I shared time with, out of the occassional side-step-drunken-kissing-I-still-regret. Heck I can even count the times I take the tram without ticket on one hand's fingers.
It's quite fun speculating over this when meeting random people on the bus - Girl 29, hmm wonder who she killed with cyanide. Man 63, how long has he been cheating on his wife with a younger man.
But what do I know, perhaps I should get my headphones on, listen to what Morrissey has to say and continue read my books while on the public transports.
On a completely different matter, but on the correct day of the week. Published a week after it was taken:
Tuesday it is
How wonderful life would be if Tisdagmys (Tuesday-cosing) was only a beer away. Sure it is great and fun and social and all ... but cosy?
... I need more to call it cosy.
I need warmth and intimacy and I need it NOW!
Sure I had a crush on that girl there, and sure I had some period where I had some fantasies and ideas that Mr Freud would find interesting. Truth is the only few times I tried doing things off the line - cheating on a test in 7th grade, nicking apples, stealing a few chewing gums - I usually end up being caught. But it's not like I've hit someone while driving and stashed away the body. Nor have I cheated on my tax return or on the few women I shared time with, out of the occassional side-step-drunken-kissing-I-still-regret. Heck I can even count the times I take the tram without ticket on one hand's fingers.
It's quite fun speculating over this when meeting random people on the bus - Girl 29, hmm wonder who she killed with cyanide. Man 63, how long has he been cheating on his wife with a younger man.
But what do I know, perhaps I should get my headphones on, listen to what Morrissey has to say and continue read my books while on the public transports.
On a completely different matter, but on the correct day of the week. Published a week after it was taken:
Tuesday it isHow wonderful life would be if Tisdagmys (Tuesday-cosing) was only a beer away. Sure it is great and fun and social and all ... but cosy?
... I need more to call it cosy.
I need warmth and intimacy and I need it NOW!
20081002
Career Opportunities
Spending way too much time not doing anything productive at all, I always come to think of other opportunities in life. Always curious on whether I could have been having lotsa more fun doing something compleeeetely different.
My career options I have been looking at would then be:
This comes as a completely realistic one, I do enjoy pushing and motivating people. And truth is I have been spending time in gyms for some 10-12 years now and likes it a lot. Career opportunity - taking courses and certificates to work with Jonas in his company.
Teaching
Done it, liked it, hated it. It is in all ways a realistic option. I do love the feel to teach someone something. But I would then have to do it to older students and not the kids I have been teaching as of now. And if I am to do it in higher grads I will need some schooling. Not very likely.
Gardening
This is as much nostalgia as it is unrealistic. I sure would like to just run around, move lawns - cut hedges and spend my days outdoors. But seeing how seasonal it is I sure as h*ll wouldn't want to spend a rainy November collecting leaves.
Photographing
Have nowhere near the skills needed to make my living by it. But I sure have the lust and want to keep doing it - so I will. But it won't be a career option.
Healthcare/volunteer
This is more a spiritual option. I would love to nurse and to help. To see misery and disaster, plagues and pains. Just to get a little distance to my own whinings. Not realistic at all though, do you think I would want to stop my whining :)
But the thing still is, that life would be quite a lot different would I pursue another path in life. I might not do it today, tomorrow, not in one or eight years but I will do it someday.
... I am still doing my colouring and will continue with it to some extent. Is it readable as long as I steer clear of the most bright colours? Yellow and Pink sucks I suppose?
My career options I have been looking at would then be:
TrainingTraining/coaching/mentoring
Teaching
Gardening
Photographing
Healthcare/volunteer
This comes as a completely realistic one, I do enjoy pushing and motivating people. And truth is I have been spending time in gyms for some 10-12 years now and likes it a lot. Career opportunity - taking courses and certificates to work with Jonas in his company.
Teaching
Done it, liked it, hated it. It is in all ways a realistic option. I do love the feel to teach someone something. But I would then have to do it to older students and not the kids I have been teaching as of now. And if I am to do it in higher grads I will need some schooling. Not very likely.
Gardening
This is as much nostalgia as it is unrealistic. I sure would like to just run around, move lawns - cut hedges and spend my days outdoors. But seeing how seasonal it is I sure as h*ll wouldn't want to spend a rainy November collecting leaves.
Photographing
Have nowhere near the skills needed to make my living by it. But I sure have the lust and want to keep doing it - so I will. But it won't be a career option.
Healthcare/volunteer
This is more a spiritual option. I would love to nurse and to help. To see misery and disaster, plagues and pains. Just to get a little distance to my own whinings. Not realistic at all though, do you think I would want to stop my whining :)
But the thing still is, that life would be quite a lot different would I pursue another path in life. I might not do it today, tomorrow, not in one or eight years but I will do it someday.
... I am still doing my colouring and will continue with it to some extent. Is it readable as long as I steer clear of the most bright colours? Yellow and Pink sucks I suppose?
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