Dysfunctional

.: Diary and self-diagnosis ahed. Beware. Truth may lie in these lines. A slight touch of nonsense and exaggaration might be there as well. Self-pity and lies would be located elsewhere. :.

(Due to the topic, the late hour, my lack of sleep, the current phase of the moon and my PMS-cycle I will have to confess that the structure and logical order of the following text might be so and so -should you decide to read it.
But well here goes - for the world to see, and for myself to perhaps learn)

My intention was to go further then the regular whine-posts I come up with from time to time and actually try seeking a solution. Well what's the problem you might ask. Staying in the office 17h and still not getting things done. Instead spending countless hours on ... well ... you know ... s t u f f. The dusfunctionality is my complete lack to focus and concentrate on a given task. Don't get me wrong. The prestudy for this blog has taken roughly an hour (edit: make that two) of browsing the net, a lot of hard work and no problems focusing there.. Passing through wikipedia pages on ADHD, MDB, the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition) - where I by chance finds a smashing recognance on some of the conditions "needed" to be labeled as having an Adult attention-deficit disorder

1. A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one's goals
   (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished). Check
2. Difficulty getting organized. Check
3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started. Check
4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow through. Check
5. A tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark. Hard one. But things I say might seem blunt and harsh sometimes I'm afraid
6. A frequent search for high stimulation. Check
7. An intolerance of boredom. Earlier yes. Today no
8. Easy distractibility; trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or conversation, often coupled with an inability to focus at times. Check
9. Trouble in going through established channels and following "proper" procedure.
   Check, (but a bit vague statement)
   
10. Impatient; low tolerance of frustration. Check
11. Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as an impulsive spending of money. 50/50
12. Changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans and the like; hot-tempered No
    
13. Physical or cognitive restlessness. Check
14. A tendency toward addictive behaviour. 50/50*
15. Chronic problems with self-esteem. Nope
    
16. Inaccurate self-observation. No, cause answering yes here would screw up this whole check list
    
17. Family history of AD/HD or manic depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood. Check

* I could never see myself as a substance addict. But having a playtime in Wow of 2500+ hours
since May 2005 I guess there is something in there after all.

About the scoring: It is recommended that individuals with at least twelve of the following behaviours since childhood— consider professional diagnosis

So I scored 12 - Do I care? Do I act? Do I need it?
I do! I might. I don't know - time and my actions will tell.


But then again, seeking diagnoses like this would just be a way of escaping the fact, beating about the bush and not facing the actual problem. Am I in the right office doing the right thing? Should I get another job, change career completely or is this just a trick by my supposed "sense of underachievement". I am not sure, but it raises a question. Would I be better off working as a gardener. Would I have been better off living back home raising my fictive second child in my fictional apartment driving my former car married to a most definately real madame. Well to answer the second one at least - nope. Having chosen that path in life when the fork appeared wouldn't see this day dawn. I wouldn't know myself as I do know. Sure it might appear tempting and easy - an escapism, a universal answer that isn't actually answering anything.


And regarding the addictive behaviour, of course I will rather log on and play WoW than work if I were to try working from home. WoW rewards me in a very easy manner for my tasks. Pick ten flowers - get stronger. Kill two hundred mobs - get a new belt. Work and tasks related to that won't give the immediate reward. The very same one touches the topic of drugs and stimulating substances as well. You are given immediate rewards with little input (but at high risk).

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Surrounding these topics is quite a humorous dark parodic industry,
pages like Despair, Inc :-( make good (?) money selling de-motivators. A breath of fresh air against the often cheesy slogans and chlichées you'll see on corporate walls. Or why not get your next coffee cup there

Also found my way back to the extensive galleries of deviantART
Like the following image for instance, as well as the top one

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I need you
I want you
I miss you

Are you my answer?
Who are you then?
Where are you?

Let go of your cowl!
Crawl out of your nest!
Reveal yourself!

Please.